TW: Death

Last week I had to say goodbye to my Grandmother.

It could be said that we have seen it coming for the last two years, but only two weeks ago I was still taking her shopping every Sunday and seeing her up and about. When I left work on the 14th, I had no idea that I would be told that was likely going to be our last weekend together.

My grandparents both shaped me. Although my grandad passed prematurely when I was very young, he had a lasting impact on my life. Memories of climbing the steep hill behind our house. His computer, littered with floppy disks that I still own to this day – including LOOM and Microsoft Flight Simulator. Our adventures to Blackpool to watch the go-karts.

After he passed, my Grandma put a roof over my head and made sure I stayed on the right track even when my mum became unwell for many years (she’s better now, thank goodness). She took me everywhere I needed to be, taught me valuable life lessons, made sure I was raised in a warm and loving home. She always made sure that I had a friend, even at time when I had few. Of course she is also the reason I must suffer as a Blackburn Rovers fan, but I’ll allow it as there have occasionally been good times.

Although the last two years of her life had some very tough moments and required a lot of changes, she defied expectations and kept soldiering on. Largely thanks to the exceptional care my mum was able to provide for her. When the inevitable finally caught up with her, she left the stage peacefully and with dignity, in her own bed in her own home. In our last conversation, she said it was beautiful how many people were helping her – and she was right. I can’t speak highly enough of the district and twilight nurses who were visiting round-the-clock in her final days.

They allowed her to spend her last two days sleeping peacefully. I spent her last by her side, watching historic Blackburn Rovers matches which she had attended in person and a compilation of 800 Lionel Messi goals. She wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I replaced the bulb in her bedside lamp, put on her favourite Neil Diamond music and said my goodbyes that night.

The days that have followed have been a blur. My family is a tight unit. I’ve lost more friends than family since I was a child. The round-the-clock provision has suddenly vanished and the house is quiet. Moreso than it ever has been. I’ve spent most of the last week completely lost as to what to do. I got my first stress alerts from my watch during the funeral planning. I got the second when looking at Probate after discovering I had been named as the co-executor on her Will.

Beyond the grief, I’m suddenly afraid that we have a house that we can’t afford and unsure of what comes next for my mum. A great unknown is stretching out in front of me and I’m scared of putting one foot in front of the other in case I fall. Everything I once took for granted is suddenly illuminated in stark contrast.

I’ve spent a lot of these quiet moments reflecting and being grateful for what I had and still have to come. I tentatively returned to both civilization and video games for escape over the weekend, proving that good RP with good people is good for the soul. I’m looking forward to seeing Danni in a few days and soon marking a year since the launch of Let’s RP 3.0.

Despite it all, I’ve also hit my steps goal every day this month, so staying active and getting outdoors remains important to me. As does seeing the community I’ve spent so long helping to build continue to evolve and succeed, even as once familiar faces drift away and brand new ones take to the spotlight in their place.

Nothing I have done, seen, experienced or achieved would have been possible without my grandmother. I owe her more than could have ever been repaid. But I take comfort in knowing that, at the end, I feel I did all that I could for her.

My car accident, losing my dog and then my grandma has made this unquestionably the most difficult 12 months of my life. But I put my faith in those around me to help me through, as always, and back myself to take those next steps in to an unfamiliar world.